Prince Auditions
by silverball
Summary: It's Princess Kagura's 16th birthday and auditions are being held to choose the next Prince of Edolia. Competition is fierce. Who will end up marrying Kagura? Pairing: All x Kagura
1. Chapter 1

**Ch. 1 - Never raise your pets in a radioactive moat**

It was a great day of celebration and festivities in the Kingdom of Edolia. Streamers, flags and balloons of every colour imaginable had been hung around the city, congratulating the Crown Princess Kagura on her 16th birthday. It was also the day in which she became eligible to get married. Hence, since the clock struck midnight, crowds of suitors had started queuing up outside the Yato Palace to try and get an entry ticket (there were only 100 available). Most of them were not particularly well mannered and more than once a fight had broken out, though these were between highly aggressive mothers who had forced their skinny sons to try out for the auditions.

At 9:00 sharp, the drawbridge to the castle began to descend, and all the wannabe suitors started clambering over each other to get onto the bridge. One unfortunate person got pushed into the moat during the kafuffle. In an instant, the poor man was devoured by something huge and purple that had been lying in wait. After that, the suitors' behaviour became much more orderly and they stood in line to receive their tickets in a rather demure fashion.

When the lucky 100 had been chosen, they were told to wait in a gigantic hall for the princess's arrival. Without warning, the gigantic doors were then locked shut and the suitors were trapped in the airtight hall with no windows.

A loudspeaker from nowhere boomed out: "Welcome, suitors, to the First Test. When you have passed the test, you will be granted permission to meet Her Highness, Princess Kagura. For those who fail…" The low voice barely suppressed a giggle which caused the suitors' stomachs to clench in horror. "…You will meet the Fate of the Moat. Good Luck!"

Frantic whispering ensued, and some of the suitors started pissing themselves for they had all witnessed the Fate of the Moat (the gigantic purple thing that ate one of them), and even the strongest, toughest- looking guy had begun to weep softly.

Suddenly, there was a loud noise of a huge pot being opened, and an overwhelming stench of sukonbu (dried kelp) filled the container-like space. Many of the suitors were knocked out instantly and some started getting spastic attacks while frothing at the mouth. These people were immediately dragged away by assistants wearing power-plant suits to meet the Fate of the Moat.

After 20 minutes, more than 90 suitors had passed out and had been dragged away. Only eight people remained in the hall: five humans, an alien and a duck-like creature with hairy legs.

One of the suitors had black hair and had already prepared a nose clip. His name was Hijikata. "Hnh," he smirked. "If those losers had done their research, they would've realized that Sukonbu is the Princess's favourite food."

A shorter man, also bearing a nose clip, stood behind Hijikata looking slightly disappointed. His name was Okita, and Hijikata was his boss. The only reason he was there was because he was sure Hijikata would fail at some point, so he could be there to watch it.

"AHAHA!" boomed another man, Sakamoto, for no particular reason. "This is going to be fun, isn't it?"

A thin, bespectacled young boy named Shinpachi did not think it was going to be fun at all. He had no interest in getting married and had been forced to go by his demanding older sister, for purely lucrative reasons. "Do you care for the future of our dojo?!" she had said that morning, holding a pan of corrosive fried egg threateningly, leaving Shinpachi no other choice.

Suddenly, the alien resembling a huge duck lifted its dress (?) cloth (?) and a long haired samurai, Katsura, climbed out. He had been hiding there when the sukonbu was released. His ambition was to marry the princess so he could rewrite the immigration laws of Edolia and kick out all the foreigners. As you can see, Katsura was a bit racist and hated aliens, apart from Elizabeth whom he thought was 'kinda cute'.

Prince Hata looked at all the stupid humans and sniffed. He was the only royalty among them, so obviously they didn't stand a chance. But he was slightly jealous of the people who got to meet the Fate of the Moat, because he was sure that the creature was really a big softie inside.

The last man was a silver haired samurai named Gintoki. On the way to buy his usual strawberry parfait that morning, he had spotted a huge queue in front of the palace and had thought they were giving out freebies, so he was a bit disappointed. On the bright side, getting to marry the princess meant that he could be king, and king = power = free desserts, which is why he stayed.

"Congratulations, suitors," the disembodied voice boomed out. "You have passed the first challenge. Now, I am honoured to introduce… KAGURA, the princess of Edolia!"

- tbc-


	2. Chapter 2

Ch2: It's not a good idea to approach a dog with food poisoning

All of a sudden, a glaring spotlight appeared on the stage, illuminating the figure of Princess Kagura who was sitting on a throne. Unsurprisingly, she was munching on sukonbu as usual.

"'Sup y'all," she said in a very unprincesslike manner. She looked around at each of the suitors. "Hmm.... you're a bit better looking than I expected. (Munch, munch.) I haven't really seen a lot of dudes apart from Papi, so I thought you suitors would look like him, but perhaps with more hair..."

"OY!" said King Umibouzu, who had appeared by the throne. "Watch your mouth, young lady!! Or I'll confiscate your sukonbu!!" His wig had slipped a bit when he shouted and was now dangling on the side of his head, revealing a completely bald head underneath. The baldness caught the light and emitted strong flashes of light in the direction of the suitors, who yelped and writhed in pain. "AUGHHH!!" "I'm blind!!! I'm blind!!" they yelled.

"Humph! A bunch of wimps," muttered King Umibouzu, who was oblivious to his slipping wig. "Attention! Princess Kagura is going to announce the second challenge."

The suitors stood to attention, despite tears streaming from their eyes.

"Alright. If you want to marry me, you'll have to love what I love. You've all passed the first test which means you like sukonbu, so congratulations. Let's see if you can pass the second test too." Kagura got up and whistled loudly.

For the first few seconds, nothing happened. Then, the ground beneath their feet started to tremble, with the increasing intensity of an earthquake. Suddenly, a huge, white and fluffy dog crashed through the walls, which crumbled as though made of sand. The dog leapt onto the stage, giving Kagura a friendly lick in the face which to normal people would cause instant suffocation. "This is Sadaharu," said Kagura to the suitors. "Your task for the Second Challenge is to keep him entertained for an hour. Me and Papi are gonna watch your progress from a hidden camera in the other room. If Sadaharu doesn't like you...you're OUT. Good luck!" Kagura waved at them and left the hall with King Umibouzu.

The door slammed shut behind them. Instantaneously, the big white dog turned towards the suitors, baring its teeth and salivating. Its fur was bristling and it looked like it was considering which one to eat first.

While the rest of the suitors stood there not knowing how to 'entertain' this monstrosity, Prince Hata, the purple alien, suddenly stepped out, his arms outstretched towards the creature. "Come here, doggie!" he said, his eyes turning into heart shapes. "Who's a good doggie then? Who's a good -" He never finished his sentence, for the dog had leapt forward, seized Hata's protruding forehead antenna and promptly swallowed the antenna. 'AUGGGHH!!!!" screamed Hata in agony, clutching his head as blood gushed out from the wound. Sadaharu, on the other hand, looked like he had ate something rotten and turned slightly greenish.

"AHAHA!" said Sakamoto, being his usual optimistic-idiot self. "Don't worry about the horn. It'll grow back," he said to Hata. He seemed not to hear Hata's objections of "It's an ANTENNA!! Not a horn!!". Sakamoto approached the dog. "All dogs like to be petted! Let me demonstrate!" he instructed the others. "Good dog.. Nice dog.." he said, stroking Sadaharu's thick, Yeti-like fur. Sadaharu emitted a low grumbly noise in response. Sakamoto took this as a sign of approval and continued to stroke its fur, until the dog suddenly reared its head and puked on him. (Apparently, Hata's 'horn' had not coped well with Sadaharu's digestive system.)

The others watched in horror as Sakamoto emerged from the pool of dog puke. Amazingly, he was still in a good mood. "AHAHA! It's good to de-toxify your system once in a while!" he said to the dog. "I needed a shower anyway. See ya!" He left the hall, leaving a disgusting green trail behind him. "Well.. that's two people out," Gintoki remarked (ignoring Hata's indignant interjections of 'Hey!! I'm still here!!!").

Meanwhile, Sadaharu, who had recovered his attitude after emptying the contents of his stomach, had found a new challenger in the form of Elizabeth. The two alien creatures had their foreheads pressed against each other, staring aggressively into each others eyes. After 10 seconds of the death-staring match, they began to 'argue' which took the form of Sadaharu barking maniacally, and Elizabeth raising sign boards at ultra speed (Somehow they understood each other, although the humans didn't).

"WOOF!!! ARFF!! WOOFF!!" said Sadaharu. (Something along the lines of "Why the hell are YOU in this competition anyway, duck?!")

To this, Elizabeth raised a board on which it had written,"Being human wasn't a requirement to join, you mutt, and FYI, I ALWAYS beat you at every popularity ranking. Eat that!!"

"ARR ARR!! WOOFF!! GROWL!!" ("I'll always be the most popular pet in the series!!")

"WHAAT?!! Are you kidding?! The most popular pet is ME" said Elizabeth's board.

"You call yourself a pet?! Everyone can see those hairy legs under your sheet, you're actually an uncle underneath a cloth, aren't you?!"

This was too much for poor Elizabeth and angry tears began to well in her huge, blank eyes. She raised a board: "I WAS BORN LIKE THIS!!!" Then she whacked Sadaharu on the head with the board and flounced out.

"Elizabeth!!" Katsura yelled after his beloved pet. "She's a very fragile creature! You've wounded her emotions, dog!!" he snapped at Sadaharu. "You'll pay for this someday!!" he then ran out after Elizabeth, calling "Come back!! He didn't mean it!! I still think you're cute!"

Apparently, an hour had already passed and Kagura came back into the hall. "Man, you guys are crap," she said. "Nobody understands my poor Sadaharu. Are you all cat people or something?"

"Um.. Sorry to interrupt, Princess, but your dog is biting my head," said Gintoki. (Okita seemed to get some ideas from this and started sprinking Hijikata's neck with dog biscuit crumbles, trying to tempt the dog without his superior noticing.)

"Anyway, congratulations. An hour's gone, so even though none of you tried to play with Sadaharu, you're all through to the next challenge, all four of you. Glasses, scary man, person who's putting biscuit crumbs on scary man ("OI!!!" yelled Hijikata) and natural perm, you've all passed."

"HEY!!! I'm still here!! What about me?!" yelled Prince Hata indignantly.

"You're too ugly," said Kagura simply. "Everyone else, follow me."

Not knowing what to expect, the four of the remaining suitors, Gintoki, Shinpachi, Hijikata and Okita followed Princess Kagura out of the hall, into the world beyond.

(Next up: the Third Test)

- TBC -


	3. Chapter 3

**Ch.3 - In Sickness or in Health**

Following Kagura's lead, the four remaining suitors entered a white, spotless room that appeared to be a laboratory. In the middle was a circle where four helmets rested on raised platforms.

"We are going to play a virtual simulation game," Kagura announced. "Wearing these helmets will create a virtual environment where you will each go on a date with me. I get to choose the scenario. So it's kind of like a dating game. Just act normal, all right? Good luck!"

With more than just a little fear and trepidation, the four men put on the helmets. Kagura then vanished behind a screen where they heard the sound of a button being pressed, transporting them into 4 different alternate realities...

* * *

**Subject: Okita Sougo (18)**

_Scenario: Okita and Kagura are married assassins who don't know their partner's actual job (Sounds familiar? :D) Okita is the bodyguard of a high ranking government official but Kagura's job is to kill the same person. If they fail, their memories will be wiped._

* * *

"Okita? Oi, OKITA?! Are you listening?!"

Okita snapped awake. "Uh.. ye-es," he said sleepily.

He was being yelled at by a bald man who stood in front of a powerpoint presentation. It appeared to be a briefing of some kind of secret operation, though from the black ninja-like attire of his colleagues, this was not the Shinsengumi.

The man who had spoken coughed irritably and continued. "Alright, men. In theory, your mission is simple. All you have to do is to act as bodyguard to this man, Mr. Butada -" he jabbed his finger at the powerpoint, which showed the picture of a pig-like alien, "- and escort him to the airport. He's a very high ranking official, so you better not mess up or we'll all be in deep whatsit. GOT IT?!" he barked, and a few ninjas practically flew off the ground in surprise.

"As per usual, failure in this mission means that your memories will be wiped, clean as a slate," the man spat. "We can't afford to have failures. Make it WORK!Understood?...Alright, dismissed!"

After the meeting, Okita followed his usual trail home _(Note: in real life he lives in Shinsengumi Headquarters but in this game he has an apartment_). As he opened the door, the sound of deep frying could be heard, followed by a delectable smell that wafted out in enticing tendrils.

"Tadaima..." he said, slightly hesitantly. The smell of cooking was too good to resist and he followed his nose to the kitchen, where a girl with red hair was vigorously tossing rice in a saucepan. The amount of rice was enough to feed an entire village.

"Hey, you're back!" Kagura said brightly. "Just in time for dinner." She added half a bottle of soy sauce to the rice while speaking.

_Wait... _the part of Okita's brain which still connected to reality was thinking. _Isn't this a dating game? Why are we MARRIED?! What kind of dating game starts with MARRIAGE?!!!!_

Okita had never imagined himself to be in any kind of 'stable relationship', let alone be entrenched in eternal matrimony. _Till death do us part..._ Understandably, he had a strong aversion to the idea, and tears began to well in his eyes, very uncharacteristically.

"Dinner's ready!!" said Kagura brightly, dragging a cart containing a barrel of fried rice into the dining room. Okita hastily wiped the tears away before she could see.

"Are you hiding a group of illegal immigrants in the basement? 'Cause there's no way the two of us could finish all that rice," he said, snapping back to his usual sardonic self.

"Ha ha, don't be silly," said Kagura, giving Okita's shoulder a friendly pat which sank him an inch into the floor. She then proceeded to hand him a normal sized bowl. Then she sat down and emptied the contents of the barrel into her mouth.

Okita soon realized that married life with Kagura meant the following: rice with every meal (including dessert, which was rice with ice cream), and no sleep at night. (Not what you're thinking, perv. This fic is rated K. Sorry.) After getting over the initial shock of having to sleep in the same bed as Kagura, the next thing he knew, she had fallen into a deep slumber and grasped him in a suffocating bear-hug.

"OI!!! WAKE UP!!! WAKE UP!!!" Okita yelled in desperation, but Kagura seemed to tighten her clutch around his waist even more. "Shush, bunny," she mumbled, obviously still asleep and dreaming about some pet she had. _She probably killed it_, Okita thought, correctly. He tried to prise himself out of her iron grip, but failed miserably. Somehow, he managed to doze off eventually, though it was a restless and fitful sleep.

*

The guy Okita was supposed to protect turned out to be just as piggish as his photo. It was possibly the worst day of Okita's life. He had woken up at 7, feeling sore all over, to find that Kagura had already gone. She had remembered to leave his breakfast on the table (Rice Krispies). Remembering his mission, he had spooned some cereal into his mouth and left the house, only to get yelled at for being late by 2 minutes. He was then forced to join an entourage which would escort the pig, Mr Butada, to the airport. Inwardly, Okita found himself missing the Shinsengumi quite a bit. Especially a certain mayonnaise addict, because he no longer had anyone to torment, though he would never in his life admit this.

Just as Okita was musing over this newly found sentimentality, a masked figure shot out of the nearby bushes, kicking over two of the ninjas in the Pig Entourage. The figure then proceeded to seize Butada in the middle (not an easy feat), jumping just as easily onto a nearby branch. It was then that Okita recognized it: the two buns at each side of the assassin's head.

"Wait up!" he shouted, but Kagura was already leaping away into the forest with the speed and dexterity of a Naruto character. The rest of the bodyguard ninjas were busy playing with nunchucks and hurling shurikens in random directions, none of which hit the target.

Kagura might be a fast runner, but the 'Best Swordsman in the Shinsengumi' wasn't slow either. He soon caught up with her and a shouting match began between them as they charged through the forest.

"Oi! China! Give him BACK!" Sougo yelled. "He's property of the country!"

Kagura tightened her grip on Mr. Butada, who grew very red in the face. "I didn't know you worked as the government's dog, Okita!" she retorted angrily. "This pig is nothing but another corrupt official. He's just a worm in the apple. I'm NOT handing him over!"

Mr. Butada began to protest. "I'm going to kill you! Put me down!!"

"_SHUT UP, HAM!_!" yelled Okita and Kagura in unison. Mr. Butada gave a terrified squeal, and then sank into silence.

"I don't care about him!" shouted Okita over the din of the rustling leaves. "It's just that... If I fail this mission, they're going to erase my memories."

He thought of his colleagues back at the Shinsengumi, compared to the humorless ninjas at his current organization. Kondo, who once promised to punch him back to his senses if he did anything stupid. Hijikata, his prime firing target, though Okita always missed on purpose. Even Yamazaki's constant badminton playing was a memory he didn't want to throw away.

Deep down inside Okita's twisted heart, he also found to his horror a teeny tiny attachment to this red-headed, bone-crushing girl beside him. Who else in this world would bother making rice krispies for him on the day of an assassination?

No one, as far as Okita was concerned.

Suddenly, a switch clicked inside his head: SADIST MODE - ON.

"KAGURA!" he shouted. "Drop him!!"

"What?!" she yelled back. "We're 50 feet above ground!"

It was true. As they had travelled deeper into the woods, the trees were gradually gaining in height, and they were quite far off from the ground.

"The guy's padded with fat. He'll live," Okita yelled back. "Kagura - listen. We don't have to do this. To HELL with this assassination stuff. Let's go have lunch somewhere."

It was the first time in his life that he had suggested a meal with anybody. However, it seemed to work, for at the word 'lunch', Kagura's ears perked up.

She stopped running and let go of Mr. Butada, who fell through the branches, screaming like a pig. Okita was right, though. When he hit the ground, he simply rolled away, a bit bruised but still alive.

"What about the other ninjas?" Kagura questioned. "If they find out about this, you're dead for sure."

"I'll kill them," Okita replied simply. Something in his tone told Kagura that it wasn't a joke.

Then, in an act which seemed to break the laws of gravity, he took hold of her hand.

"But first, let's get some rice."

- T B C -

* * *

Sorry if that was a bit messy :P. Personally I love Okita/Kagura, but that doesn't mean he's going to win. Next up: Hijikata!


	4. Chapter 4

**Ch. 4 Love is Like Mayo... Sweet and Sour**

Disclaimer: Any similarities with a certain Korean drama would be purely coincidental. :D

* * *

**Subject: Hijikata Toushiro**

_Scenario: Kagura is the new student at Hijikata's high school. Puppy love ensues._

The classroom was in its usual state of mayhem when the teacher walked in, closely followed by the new student. From his seat at the back of the classroom, Hijikata glanced up and saw a petite girl with pale skin and bright red hair. Their eyes met briefly and he quickly looked away. _Wonder how long she's gonna last. _The last three kids who had transferred to his school had just as quickly transferred out. Hijikata's school wasn't exactly renowned for its academic standards, and rather less for its _moral_ standards.

"All right then, settle down now..." the teacher said weakly. Nobody in the class even looked up. The teacher flashed the new girl an apologetic look which seemed to say 'You'd better get used to this real quick'. Strangely, her face remained expressionless, even slightly _bored_.

All of a sudden, amid the flying scraps of paper, a Justerway soared towards the front of the classroom. "Get down!!" yelled the teacher, whose trained reflexes were prepared. He immediately ducked under the teacher's desk and waited for the grenade to explode.

Nothing happened.

Everyone's attention was now focused to the front of the classroom. The Justerway seemed to have completely vanished into thin air.

And then they saw it. Before the grenade hit the ground, the New Girl had caught it with one bare hand, crushing it so hard that the ignition spark had been put out before it even reached the explosive chemicals. That is to say, she caught it in a _nanosecond_.

"Who threw this?" she demanded, holding up the mangled Justerway which had become completely deformed in her hand.

Nobody answered.

From that day onwards, Hijikata was careful not to underestimate the new girl called Kagura.

*

When the bell rang, signalling the end of school, Hijikata was never more grateful for it. The new girl had been assigned to the seat next to his, and for some inexplicable reason she spent half the time staring in his direction. He tried ignoring her at first, but in his peripheral vision there would always be a pair of huge blue eyes, just _looking._ Hijikata then tried using his polished-to-perfection death stares, but Kagura just stared back until he gave up.

_What the hell is wrong with her anyway, _Hijikata mused as he got on his bike. The ride home was always the best part of the day, because it was in the late afternoon and his route was along the coast, where he could see the beautiful sunset. Between people in school and people at home, this was the only personal space he had in a day, and he was grateful for it.

Hijikata turned a corner onto the highway and nearly fell off his bike.

It was New Girl. _Again._

"Yo," she said. Without another word, she clambered onto the back of his bike.

"You can start moving now."

Hijikata was so dumbfounded, he simply said "Okay" and started pedalling automatically. After about ten meters, he stopped abruptly.

"WHAT THE HELL?!" he turned around and barked.

"Relax. Just keep pedalling," she said nonchalantly. "My house is just over there," she said, motioning to a bunch of houses in the distance. "Besides," she said, leaning closer (way too far into his personal space), "I like you."

Turning around to hide his burning face, Hijikata had no other choice but to resume his cycling.

*

It was an odd start to the relationship, but the pros definitely outweighed the cons. A definite bonus was that Kagura's presence managed to keep away Hijikata's fangirl stalkers at school. This was established the morning after she 'confessed' to him (though by the way it was presented, it was more like a casual statement). When he arrived at school, Hijikata was greeted with the usual babble of fangirl stalkers who clustered around his locker.

"It's him!! He's here!!!"

(A flurry of hair-smoothing ensued.)

"OHAYOOO, HIJIKATA SAMA~~"

"I RABU YoU DESU~"

"Tocchi~ I have a cut on my thigh, can you please check to see if it's okay..."

This was the kind of crap he had to put up with every morning.

"I am not _Tocchi_," he muttered in annoyance. This however made several of the girls swoon and flail even more. "He's so kakkoii," they said, swooning to the left and right.

Hijikata counted to ten in his mind. Then, in the politest tone he could muster, he said, "Would you mind stepping aside so I can get my stuff?"

He might as well have been talking to a solid wall, apart from the fact that the fangirls were thicker, and more dense. They were asking him stuff like, "Do you like my makeup?" "I got a haircut yesterday, how does it look?" The idiocy was practically infectious.

Then, at the end of the corridor, a red-haired figure holding an umbrella appeared.

"BACK OFF," Kagura said.

The girls looked around irritably. "Huh! It's the new girl.... Who does she think she is anyway... Look at her tacky clothes..." And so on and so forth. In retaliation, they clustered around Hijikata even more, all the time flashing Kagura bitchy looks.

"I SAID, BACK OFF," Kagura said more loudly. Again, this was ignored.

"All right then," she said, almost cheerfully. She raised her umbrella. There were several loud bangs and thick, gray smoke engulfed the entire corridor.

Hijikata was swamped in a mass of confused fangirl. Somehow, Kagura managed to find him underneath the flailing arms and legs. "Let's go," she said, taking hold of his arm and hauling him out.

"How did you get so strong?!" he yelled as they fled the crime scene.

"I ate a lot of rice," she said.

*

After that incident, Hijikata's fangirls left him alone, and their stalking was reduced to peeking around corners until Kagura threatened to poke their eyes out with her umbrella. Apart from her violent tendencies, Hijikata and Kagura acted like any normal couple: they went on cinema trips, went around the town on Hijikata's bike, and when the sun was setting they strolled hand in hand along the coast. (Only in fanfiction.)

Hijikata knew it was all too good to be true. Then one day, reality finally struck.

They were walking along the beach, when Kagura, who had been strangely quiet, suddenly spoke.

"Toshi...I have something to tell you"

"Mm-hmm?"

"I have an incurable disease."

Hijikata's heart seemed to stop beating.

"I only have three months."

*

(Three months later)

*

Hijikata carried Kagura on his back, towards the coast, where the setting sun cast a rose-coloured glaze upon the slowly undulating waves.

"It's... beautiful," Kagura said quietly, as he set her down gently upon the sand.

"Wait here," Hijikata said. Five minutes later, he came back, dragging a white piano which he set upon the edge of the sea.

He cleared his throat and began to sing while playing the piano.

Hijikata's Serenade

_How do I love thee? _

_Let me count the ways._

_I shall compare thee with a tube of mayonnaise._

_Thou art as lovely, and nearly as sweet._

_Your skin is smooth, and Mayo is too. _

_I will love you till the end of time, or when 'Naruto' ends,_

_Whichever one takes the longest._

By this point, he could sing no longer as tears were streaming down his face. Holding Kagura in a tight embrace, they sat on the beach until the sun went below the horizon.

-TBC -

* * *

Author's note: You probably want to kill me now. Kagura didn't actually die. It's a dating game. :D I'm sorry if you expected romantic stuff or anything like that! (Hijikata belongs to Gin-chan) *gets bricked*

Next up: Shinpachi :D


End file.
